Well, here I was, ready for my second experience with Ayahuasca … after having a good feeling at the first session, I was confident it would be a good trip.
Before I begin, let me just clarify one point … Ayahuasca works with your body and your soul, each person has a different experience, but spiritual growth is the same. We are all on this journey, trying to find our way home.
I drank the tea and waited for it to kick off, I was feeling very happy and relaxed when the visions began. Very beautiful at first, but it began to distort, for horrible things came out of beauty.
I began to feel overwhelmed with the experience, taking in consideration my anxiety history, I decided to go to the bathroom and tried to calm myself down.
Breathing techniques, meditation, yoga moves … Oh God! Nothing is working …
The more I tried to control it, the more it took over me.
I was panicking, wondering what I did! When I heard a voice answering me:
You screwed yourself … are you happy?
You’ll kill me! I said crying … I cannot breathe anymore.
Really? The voice said and tried to suffocated me even more …
My heart! My heart is beating so fast, that’s it … I’m dying! Please, I asked for compassion. Make it stop!
Laugh! It grabbed my heart, I could feel the physical pain …
My heart exploded in colours, I was there on the bathroom floor … dying I guess…
Suddenly … another voice came, it was kind … ENOUGH it said … and everything went away … the visions, the feelings, the shaken, my heart returned to normal.
My body was back to its functions, but I my head was confused. What the hell was that ?!
I spent the last two hours analyzing the whole experience. Funny thing with Ayashuasca is, after the visions leave you, you continue with the light for a few weeks. And the light brings clarification.
I soon realized that the horrible force I saw was really me … and this horrified me. People have always said that I am kind person and suddenly I had this dark side.
It made me cry a lot … but in one of my reflections, the light said:
You do not control your demons, you do not fight! YOU FEED THEM!
This was a breakthrough for me … every day in our lives we make choices, either for good or for evil. And that is the self you will face when you die.
The Master told me, drinking Ayahuasca is learning how to die … are you ready? You don’t need to harm your physical body to die.
What are your actions today? Are you feeding your good thoughts? Are you doing good, but expecting reward?
I sincerely thought I was going to die in that bathroom, to be honest, maybe the old me has passed away. I am surely welcoming a new way of thinking thanks to this experience.
I’m asking for strength to continue with my Ayahuasca journey … So, hopefully I will write again soon … 🙂