The Day I Died…

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Well, here I was, ready for my second experience with Ayahuasca … after having a good feeling at the first session, I was confident it would be a good trip.

Before I begin, let me just clarify one point … Ayahuasca works with your body and your soul, each person has a different experience, but spiritual growth is the same. We are all on this journey, trying to find our way home.

I drank the tea and waited for it to kick off, I was feeling very happy and relaxed when the visions began. Very beautiful at first, but it began to distort, for horrible things came out of beauty.

I began to feel overwhelmed with the experience, taking in consideration my anxiety history, I decided to go to the bathroom and tried to calm myself down.

Breathing techniques, meditation, yoga moves … Oh God! Nothing is working …

The more I tried to control it, the more it took over me.

I was panicking, wondering what I did! When I heard a voice answering me:

You screwed yourself … are you happy?

You’ll kill me! I said crying … I cannot breathe anymore.

Really? The voice said and tried to suffocated me even more …

My heart! My heart is beating so fast, that’s it … I’m dying! Please, I asked for compassion. Make it stop!

Laugh! It grabbed my heart, I could feel the physical pain …

My heart exploded in colours, I was there on the bathroom floor … dying I guess…

Suddenly … another voice came, it was kind … ENOUGH it said … and everything went away … the visions, the feelings, the shaken, my heart returned to normal.

My body was back to its functions, but I my head was confused. What the hell was that ?!

I spent the last two hours analyzing the whole experience. Funny thing with Ayashuasca is, after the visions leave you, you continue with the light for a few weeks. And the light brings clarification.

I soon realized that the horrible force I saw was really me … and this horrified me. People have always said that I am kind person and suddenly I had this dark side.

It made me cry a lot … but in one of my reflections, the light said:

You do not control your demons, you do not fight!  YOU FEED THEM!

This was a breakthrough for me … every day in our lives we make choices, either for good or for evil. And that is the self you will face when you die.

The Master told me, drinking Ayahuasca is learning how to die … are you ready? You don’t need to harm your physical body to die.

What are your actions today? Are you feeding your good thoughts? Are you doing good, but expecting reward?

I sincerely thought I was going to die in that bathroom, to be honest, maybe the old me has passed away. I am surely welcoming a new way of thinking thanks to this experience.

I’m asking for strength to continue with my Ayahuasca journey … So, hopefully I will write again soon … 🙂

 

Wow! I have a soul!

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So there I was with my Ayahuasca cup on my right hand.

 I will finish the prayer and we all shall drink the tea, the shaman said.

Amen… amen… amen… you can drink it now, he said to me. I was the only one still stand there with the tea all inside my cup!

I cannot do it! I am sorry… My heart was already beating very fast, my hands were numb and I just wanted to run away from there.

I am hopeless…

No, you are not… drink half, you came all the way till here… there is a reason why you are here… drink half… said the shaman.

Ok, half it went down… lets sit down now and listen some songs…

No, lets not! The internal fight had begun… my panic attacks were taking over… again…

Everybody seemed so peaceful, and I was at the battlefield.

All of a sudden peace came to me, my body was tired, but my soul was actually very peaceful… I let the feeling take me and there I was… my body was sitting on the sofa, but I could see from above…

WOW, we really are a soul and a body! It was a overwhelming feeling!

I always been very spiritual but I came from a background where nobody believe in soul, so for me was incredible to see that we really have one.

I left the place that night feeling very peaceful, and proud of myself… it was only half glass, but I did… plus I didn’t lose control… yes I liked it!

The shaman told me that the vision will stop, but I will carry the light for many days.

I wasn’t very sure of what he meant, until next morning when I woke up and saw my brother.

We have 8 years gap and we always had a strange relationship… so for me to feel a hundred percent comfortable around him, always been impossible…

… but on that morning, I was happy to see him… I even felt like hugging him!

The light… now I understood it…

The problem was never on my brother, but inside me… I had just learned that.

I spoke to my brother for hours, I apologised for judging him sometimes… and I told him that I was here for him anytime he needs (and I really meant it).

The tea is sacred after all… it does transform us for the better… There are thousands of plants on amazon forest, and only those two plants together, make the Ayahuasca. The native Americans tell us that the tea was given to them by the Great Spirit, just in case we lose our way home.

Yes, I am starting to believe on that story.

The light stayed with me for a while and guided me through dark days. I am looking forward for my next ceremony…

Until there…

Panic Pants.

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I think I can say that my panic attacks started when I was about 5 or 6 years old.
I would go play outside and, all of sudden had to come back inside with this tight feeling on my chest… my parent would tell me to think about something else and go back and play.
I didn’t know that the feeling would follow me for a long time, plus it got stronger as I grew.
When I was 19 years old, my granddaddy passed away, he taught me the path of love, would hold me tight when I was scared, and on that transition from teenager to adult life, I lost my safe harbour…
I had the gift of courage, and adventured on far away islands, together with my soulmate that I met when I was 16 years old.
Proud of my achievement, but waiting for me on the corner, was this sad angel… He liked me and decided to stay close by…
… Good morning girl… he would say… what a foggy day…
Life didn’t seem so bright anymore, I couldn’t understand why…
A trip to the doctor and a prescription for ant-depressive… but then it came… stronger than ever… anxiety syndrome as doctors like to call it… for me… panic attacks…
Give me my peace back! Why can’t I just walk on the streets and feel normal? Enjoy the sunshine? (Rare in the UK). The beautiful English parks?
It was a internal fight… one part of the brain saying… that is ok, you will be fine. The other part… you are going crazy… look at you!
I was exhausted!
Counselling helps a lot, someone said.
Well I made my counsellor cry! Oh my! It cannot be good.
I stopped the medication; I read a lot, yoga, meditation… yes hahaha it is under control! I did!
Then, one day out of my comfort zone… there I was… breathing in! Breathing out!
Argh…
It has been a life time war… I won some battle and lost others… but after 20 years… I am bloody tired.
My great grandmother was a red Indian… natural medicine always seemed the right choice for me… watching television one day… I saw this program about Ayahuasca journey…
Ayahu what!?
This tea from amazon forest, the natives drink it for years and years. There is lots of research saying that it really helped people with all sorted of problems. It is a sacred tea for the natives.
– Yes right, I never got drunken fearing losing control… (big laugh)…
-But what if I could get rid of my panic attacks?
Ok, I decided to do it, but first let me pay a visit to my psychic to make sure that I am not going to die soon. After all, control was important for me.
Dennis told me that rebirth was on my path…
That is a sign! I am going to do! But will take spare pants… just in case I shi#@ myself.
Plus the tea gives us a shot of DMT in the brain. We produce DMT anyway… therefore… it should be fine…
I packed my courage and went… what else can happen? Dennis told I am not going to die… and panic attacks are part of me anyway…
Here we go…

Let’s go…